Last night I was on that lame party of some folks I barely knew. There were only two among them I knew a little better, so the three of us ended up sitting in a darkish corner, talking about just about anything, yet without really saying all that much. Turned out to be not that lame a party after all, even if the party didn't have anything to do with it.
  You might wonder now, how it comes then that I'm standing here, the next morning, all alone. I'll come to this in a minute. It was about something that was said the other night, while talking about freedom: Freedom is being able to jump, but not having to. I can't remember who said it, might even have been me, but we were all so drunk or high or something in between that we couldnt tell us apart anymore. Spelling it out now it doesn't seem to make much sense, but thats how it was. Anyways, this sentence got me thinking. And I don't mean thinking like: Oh, that's funny! I mean really thinking about life, death, mind, fear, hatred, love, the universe, existence itself and some things that apparently haven't been named yet.
  I barely slept this night. And considering the amount of mind altering substances I just recently consumed, i was expieriencing concerning few symptoms of a hangover. God, I sound like a wiseass again.
  But none of this matters anymore now. I have made up my mind. I walk up to the edge and im going through with it now. I can't remember wanting anything more than to be free. Free of burdens, free of responsibility, free of regrets, free of consequences, free of care, free of fear, free of this joke of a dream they call reality. To be f'm almostew meaning in life. I stop walking for a moment. I couldnt think of any. I'm even quite sure t ready now, only a few degrees more and I would fall. I picture myself in thiree I had to be able to jump, yet not having the need of actually jumping. So here I am, the sun is already quite high up and I can see very clear what awaits me. I'm standing on the edge as relaxed as I could and take a deep breath. I close my eyes and let my head fall back into my neck, the wind is blowing through in my hair and it smells fresh and in a strange way free for itself. A very odd feeling is rising inside of me, creeping in every last fibre of my body: a paradox mixture of joy, hesitation and a terrible stomachache. I stretch out my arms, in a desperate attempt to embrace that very feeling.
  Freedom is being able to jump, but not having to. I was thinking about that all night. My first thought was it means that everybody is free then, because we all are physically able to jump, while most of us wouldn't. I was so drunk it took me a moment to realize the flaw in it. How can you know you are actually able to jump if you don't. And those that do, those that commit suicide, sort of have to, for themselves. But there are bungeejumpers you might say, I thought about them for a while too. Nothing but mere cheaters they are to me, junkies for extreme expieriences of the most ordinary kind. How can you possibly be free with your feet bound together hanging upside down on a rubber rope? But I knew from the beginning, in this sentence there was the key. The key of becoming free, once and for all. And then it hit me: I had to at least go to a cliff and stand there. See what would win, the anxiety or the desire. Being on the edge. the edge of the abyss, the edge of my life, the edge of freedom, the edge of myself. Then and there, if I feel I was ready to jump, I wouldn't need to anymore. Then I could be free. I didn't just have to overcome what kept me from jumping. It meant being actually ready and willing to jump, mind body and soul, all ready, all as one.
  This was it. It wouldnt get any better than this. Ok, pointless to say, as its not going to get anything from here on. I still like the thought of it. Arms still streched out and head still in the neck, I open my eyes. Blue. Nothing but endless, consuming, mind numbing blue. Like an ocean in the sky, but bluer. It kind of can't be, but all I can catch with my eyes is this gradient of blues, each of them overglowing the others. The anxiety is fading, The dreadful fall loses its lever. Right, the jump. I was here for a reason. I straighten my head, but don't look down. I don't need to, not anymore. I close my eyes again and start leaning forward, one degree at a time. The fear is there, but it's more faint, like behind a wall. A wall of blue. Is now. I won't let my body fall over. In the last moment, when there is no getting back up again, I would jump forward into the abyss, into freedom. My head clears again a little. This was it. In my mind I was actually going to jump! I made it! I am free! I don't have to do it anymore. Yet, it feels like my legs are going through the motions anyway. My eyes are still closed, but I can feel the rushing of the air in my fall. It doesnt matter. I am free, free of care to die or to live. I have never felt so alive in my whole life.
  Then the air slows down again. The ground must be near now. But there is no impact, nothing. It even gets extremely quiet for a moment. Did I just die? No, that would feel different. Wait, how should i know what it feels like. So i open my eyes again, curious, not anxious about what i will see. Blue. The same omnipresent blue, just a little brighter maybe. I realize my head sank into my neck again. I straighten up and look around. I am still standing on the cliff. Didn't move a toe. It seems a little weird but somehow the rush I felt was only the wind blowing at me again. I didnt care if I would die or not, so now I'm living and its fine. As strange as it was, it somehow made sense now. I turn around and walk away from the edge with one last, final look back.
  This was it. I did what I came here to do. nothing else up now but to go on with my life the way it was. Actually that's not true, not the way it was. Everything but that, it was all going to change. I didn't have to become free anymore, I was free. I had to think of a new meaning in life. I stop walking for a moment. I couldn't think of any. I'm even quite sure there won't ever be one for me. So I turn around again and start running. Running with a big, bright smile on my lips. right up to the edge again, where I make a big leap forward into the abyss.
  Freedom is being able to jump, but not having to. Maybe this is wrong, or just incomplete. Maybe it should say: Freedom is not having to jump, but going to. And maybe, just maybe, theres no difference between the two.